Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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