i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
