Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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