having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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