this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
