im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
