I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
