The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
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