hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
