I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
