I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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