I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
