i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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