my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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