I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
