I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
