Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
