He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
