sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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