Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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