I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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