Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
