I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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