At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
