Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
