textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
