I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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