yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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