you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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