can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
