my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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