i don't plan on having that self control this summer
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
