am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
