***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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