Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
