Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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