spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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