When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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