Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
