i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
