Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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