Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
