i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
