I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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