I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
