You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
