remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
