so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
