I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
