Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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